The Joke's On Ewe

Two trends are so cutesty, I just can’t stand them. One is talking in the first person though your animals and the other is using “Ewe” in your kennel or dog name in some slightly clever and often cliche way.

One of the family Christmas cards every year comes from my aunt’s dog, in the first person, even though the dog has now been dead for two Christmases. It’s time to stop. It wasn’t clever when the dog was alive, but now it’s just awful that I get a card from a dead dog who regales me with fond memories of the people who used to pick up her crap.

“Dead men tell no tales,” and the same should go for dead dogs.

And I know several of you who read the blog also write in the first person as if you were your dogs talking and from looking at your comments, a lot of your readers do too! There must be some serious fun here that I’m just not seeing.

I have a question, do we have to play along and pretend we’re sending a message to your mommy (or alpha, or food person) or can we just break the suspension of disbelief and not pretend that your dogs are both literate, conversant, and bloggers? Does it ruin the fun for you if we don’t play along? Is it rude?

The other practice is also saccharine and hokey and done way too often. It’s like 1337 speak for sheeple. “You” is so cleverly replaced with “Ewe.” Nyuk nyuk nyuk. And it’s pervasive:

About Ewe Border Collies, Brackenhill Cooler Than Ewe, Dog 4 Ewe Border Collies, Eyes For Ewe Border Collies, Have Ewe Herd, Hay Ewe Border Collies, Shoreland’s Bouncing For Ewe, Shoreland’s Flirt’n With Ewe, Shoreland’s Tri-Umph For Ewe, Tainsh’s Ewe Too, Shoreland’s Missing Ewe, Silvertip’s Stalk Ewe, Centaurea’s Ewe Decide, Grayloch’s Ewe Can’t Catch Me, Eyes for Ewe Smokin’ Ewe, Rival’s Joke’s On Ewe, Jayden Lacey’s I’ve Got Ewe Babe, Shoreland’s I’m Too Hot For Ewe, Shoreland’s Bouncin’ For Ewe, Shoreland’s Have Ewe Herd, Shoreland’s Dew The Ewe, Shorland Ewe Go Tally-Ho, Darkwind’s Ewe Go Girlfriend, Shoreland’s Have Ewe Heard, Shoreland’s Creepin’ For Ewe, Altamera Sky’s Watchin Ewe, Shoreland’s Mad About Ewe, Shoreland’s Watchin’ Over Ewe, Shoreland’s Razzle Dazzle Ewe, Shoreland’s A Nita Ewe, Shoreland’s Make Ewe Mine, Think’n Do 4 Ewe, Winterwood’s Hex On Ewe, Shoreland’s Ewe Know Who, Uherdit’s Ewe Move Me, Bo-Tyne Crush On Ewe, Darkwind’s I Owe Ewe, Shoreland’s Hope For Ewe, Abfab’s Good For Ewe, Shoreland’s Zooming In On Ewe, Tainsh’s A Toast To Ewe, Shoreland’s Ewe Got The Clue, Brittemar’s True To Ewe II, Shoreland’s I Still Love Ewe, Darkwind’s I Got Ewe Babe, Hieyeq’s Am Busier ‘n Ewe, Contact Point’s Ewe Cant Touch, Contact Point’s Eye on Ewe, Contact Point’s Made Ewe Blink, Shoreland’s Ewe Must Be Joking, Shoreland’s Just Right For Ewe, Darkwind’s I Hope Ewe Can Dance, Bonnidune This Bud’s For Ewe, Borderpatrol Duffy’s Eye On Ewe, Shoreland’s Ewe Talkin’ About Me, Shoreland’s Ewe Take My Breath Away, Norwood K Mac’s Mad About Ewe, Wyld Fyre’s True Blue For Ewe, Rr’s Zippin’ by Ewe, Rising Sun I’m On To Ewe, Lock-Eye Got A Crush On Ewe, Shoreland’s My Eyes Are Set On Ewe, Hieyeq Ewe, Kerales Vodoo Ewe, Watchme Charm Ewe, Cyllo Chase N Ewe…

… and literally hundreds of other dogs from both the AKC and the ABCA. And I’m sure everyone who picked those names thought they were deviously original in doing so. Ewe Sew Clevar!

Sadly, the joke only goes so far, as I haven’t found any: Ewe !@#$ my wife, EWE !@#$ my wife?, I Wanna Sex Ewe Up, Silence! I Kill Ewe, Screw Ewe And The Horse Ewe Rode In On, Ewe Turn Me On, I Wish I Knew How To Quit Ewe, or the simple and effective Fuck Ewe.

Perhaps I’m just a grinch and these things are really fun. I’ll give you that speaking in the first person for your pets isn’t nearly as annoying as Lolcats24/7 (tiem 4 dat 2 dye nao?), and I was momentarily ewephoric the first time I heard a clever naming ewephamism, but I’m over it.

To your credit, most of you have added grammar and spelling to your animal’s repertoire which is severely lacking in the Lolcats mania. Maybe it’s just because you’re writing on behalf of really smart dogs. I can deal with the reverse ventriloquism, but if you start naming more crap “Ewe,” my dogs have something to say to you: “Shudda upa EWE FACE!” (Dublin does a great impression of Brooklyn-ease).

And as long as I’m on a non-serious humor rant, I have to give some attention to this week’s most incongruous subliminal advertisement:

My dogs get regular vet visits and their dental care is one of the most important things, and we make sure their teeth are clean and healthy. And don’t have any mesothelioma either!

Oh thank dog!

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